Dealing with deep shame

Coming into this school I knew God would be dealing with the spirit of shame in my life. It had been rising & stirring in me coming to a horrible crescendo before school.

It told me “You’re not good enough”, “they are better than you”, “you’re not strong enough”, “you’re too sensitive”, “you’re too sickly”, “give up”. I had been to school in March and missed quite a bit of teaching because I was sick, but I had been able to have ministry. Coming to this school shame said, “you’ve already had a ministry this year you’re a basket case if you think you need another one!” “How can you call yourself a leader and be sick & struggling - you’re meant to be healed!” I was sick coming into this school and felt such condemnation and anger that I was sick AGAIN!!

I almost didn’t come but God in his goodness got me there. And the Holy Spirit not only blessed me deeply in my prayer ministry but orchestrated a second prayer ministry for me!!! His sense of humour! 3 in one year!!
 

He took me very deep indeed into the root of shame in my life. So many building blocks of it through needing to be a well-behaved pastor’s kid, to moving schools a lot, to being taught to always be sensitive to other’s feelings and not make my mother’s life any harder, too often feeling like I was on the outside looking in at loving community. The root the Holy Spirit showed us went right back to the womb. I was born 15 months after my sister. My mother did not expect to get pregnant so soon after her first child. She was not all that well and there was a lot of fear & apprehension about her being able to cope with me as well. She was unable to fully
celebrate my birth. I was responsible for making sure I wasn’t too much of a burden but of course couldn’t meet that need. I was responsible for being a good, well-behaved pastors kid and please my parents. I was responsible for being ok changing schools so much.
 

I have left this VMTC school with a whole lot of weight lifted from my shoulders. Yay!! He is showing me the facts of life without the condemnation. For instance, “you’re sick” “don’t feel bad about it” “get the help you need” “trust me” “pray”! I am feeling so grateful and looking forward to doing life a lot freer and walking in his peace. Free from condemnation!!